The Science of Witchery

Witches brews usually contain nothing more esoteric than tea, and none of that fancy muck either. Tea with three sugars please. Of course i'm not saying i'm a witch at all. If you need to go round tellin' people then you aint a witch. S'all in the head, you don't go round tellin people!

You just look at em funny, carry round a toad and dabble with stange colored liquids. Then they'll bugger off and stop askin' questions.

Jokes aside, people used to burn witches- even more reason not to admit to being one I would assume.

Anyway this isn't about Witches per se- just what goes into a really good brew- And I've got the recipies...woot!


The Durden Explosive Brew

1 gram of Nitrogen Trichloride
100ml of Glycerol
5ml of Glyerine
1.5 ul (microlitres) Ethylene Oxide
heat for 45 minutes at 120 degrees C
allow to cool
Skim the top layer set into ice cube trays
Set cubes can be coated with an inhibitor (N-methyl-N'-nitro-N-nitrosoguanidine: (this chemical forms explosive compounds upon degradation)

Chuck at someone, throw match, run like buggery.


Nervous Disposition Brew

1ml Sodium Azide
200um (micrometers)Ricinus communis (Ricin A,is best)
2mg Protein Synthesis inhibitor such as cycloheximide, Puromycin
Mix it together (wearing a gas mask and industrial rubber gloves)
Bottle it
Mark with an "X"

Nervous disposition should soon disappear(along with heart beat I should think.)


The Wagging Tounge Cure-All Brew

1ml Dropwort (Hemlock Water)
2ml Ethylene glycol ether acetates

One drop administered on tongue (NOT SWALLOWED)= instant tongue paralysis
Handy for mother in laws and people who talk continualy through the film at the cinema (drop some on their popcorn)


Love in a Mist

None of this circling the moon three times and scattering rose petals nonsense. This works...probably

3 Bottles Red Wine
1 Giant bar of Chocolate
1 Really good film
Nice pants
Clean Armpits

Sorry is thats disappointing but you don't want to kill them till afterwards, in which case you know if they're rubbish in bed or not.


What's in the Mix?

Anything you like, though of course to make these even remotely worth doing, make sure you're wearing black, have changed your name to 'Mooncup' and have a pair of industrial rubber gloves and a microflow cabinet in case it all explodes in your face.

The listening to Slipknot is non-essential as too is black nail polish and saying 'merry meet'
(if fact if anyone does say 'merry meet' at you, I give you permission to poke them in the eye with a spoon.)

The gases on this list are on the Linde Specialty Gases Very Poisonous list. These chemicals are highly toxic gases at ambient temperature and pressure. They have an extremely high potential for causing significant harm if not adequately controlled. You have been warned!

Arsine Boron trichloride Chlorine pentafluoride

Chlorine trifluoride Cyanogen Cyanogen chloride

Diborane Dinitrogen tetroxide Fluorine

Germane Hydrogen selenide Nitric oxide

Nitrogen dioxide Nitrogen trioxide Nitrosyl chloride

Oxygen difluoride Phosgene Phosphine

Phosphorus pentafluoride Selenium hexafluoride Stibine

Sulfur tetrafluoride Tellurium Hexafluoride Tetraethyldithiopyrophosphate


The chemicals listed below can form explosive peroxide crystals on exposure to air, and therefore require special handling after their containers are opened. Some of the chemicals form peroxides that are violently explosive in concentrated solution and therefore should never be allowed to dry out!

diisopropyl ether (isopropyl ether)

divinylacetylene (DVA)

vinylidene chloride (1,1-dichloroethylene)

potassium metal

sodium amide (sodamide)

potassium amide

ethylene glycol dimethyl ether (glyme)

ethylene glycol ether acetates

ethylene glycol monoethers (cellosolves)




methyl isobutyl ketone

tetrahydrofuran (THF)

tetralin (tetrahydronaphthalene)

vinyl ethers

The chemicals listed below are extremely hazardous. They produce reporductive Toxins which are synthesized by the body and cannot be eliminated unless a counter chemical of a known inhibitory response is administered.

protease inhibitors (e.g. PMSF, Aprotin, Pepstatin A, Leopeptin)

protein synthesis inhibitors (e.g. cycloheximide, Puromycin)

transcriptional inhibitors (e.g. a-amanitin and actinomycin D)

DNA synthesis inhibitors (e.g. hydroxyurea, nucleotide analogs (i.e. dideoxy nucleotides), actinomycin D, acidicolin)

phosphatase inhibitors (e.g. okadaic acid)

respiratory chain inhibitors (e.g. sodium azide)

Phalloidin from Amanita Phalloides: used for staining actin filaments

Retinoids: potential human teratogens

Streptozotocin: potential human carcinogen

Urethane (ethyl carbamate): an anesthetic agent, potent carcinogen and strong teratogen, volatile at room temperature

And that my children is how you make a real witches brew. If you want to heal peoples warts and dance naked under a waxing moon, then be my guest. Its all bollocks if you ask me, you know it or you don't. If you do decide to try and blow up a small part of the world-don't blame me when it all goes horribly wrong.
You'll get what's coming to ya.

Of course Witchery is a science. Its all in the mind, and in small test tubes and glass bottles created by distillery and botany. Witches wear the hat because people will know they're a witch, and people know they're a witch because they wear the hat. And thats about the size of it.